Cecily O'Connor
RedwoodAge.com

Any boomer caregiver knows how hard it is to divide time between their spouse and an elderly family member.

The anxiety over this heart-wrenching time management dilemma can take a toll on even the strongest of relationships, according to a study of 300 adults by Caring.com, a commercial website for caregivers. About 80 percent of boomers caring for an aging parent said that it has put a strain on their marriage. 

"Raising children is a challenge, but caring for aging parents can be an even greater challenge," said Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz, co-author of "Golden Anniversaries: The Seven Secrets of Successful Marriage." 

Boomers who are working full time, providing financial assistance to aging parents, or have aging parents living with them are at the greatest risk. About 46 percent said caregiving damaged their romantic relationships, while 25 percent of divorced boomers said the added demands of caring for an elderly parent played a major role in the break up of their marriage. 

In Good Times and In Bad
Nurturing a good marriage means taking the time to understand how to cope with caregiving challenges, while maintaining and strengthening the relationship. 

Among successfully married couples, "caring for aging parents is yet another challenge they are capable of dealing with, because the strength of their relationship carries them through the good times and the bad," said Dr. Charles Schmitz, who along with Dr. Elizabeth Schmitz, has worked with married couples for more than 25 years. 

Overall, sustaining relationships - whether it's with a spouse or a best friend - is one of many challenging issues caregivers face.

Because caregivers are prone to putting their own needs on hold, their often suffer lack of sleep and feel anxious about finances.

It's even hard to get away for a vacation, which is often the break most couples crave the most. 

To that end, the doctors offered tips for balance caregiving with marriage. 

1. Talk openly with each other about feelings, emotions and stresses as they related to the care of aging parents. 
2. Make an effort every day to connect in some way - whether it's an activity or just talking - to keep feelings alive.
3. Approach financial challenges with teamwork and open communication.
4. Don't blame each other when things get tough.
5. Try not to wallow or become immersed in self pity about the caregiving role. 
6. Enhance your love relationship by providing each other occasional time for privacy and solitude. 
7. Remember that simple things matter in marriage, and they need to be practiced every day.

"The relationship between husband and wife trumps everything else," said Dr. Charles Schmitz. "If they continue to strengthen their relationship with each other, their marriage will survive the enormous challenges associated with caring for aging parents."