Cathie Ramey
RedwoodAge.com
Even her master's degree in gerontology didn't prepare Michele Budinot for the adjustments she'd have to make when her mom moved in.
Six years later, she and her husband have been through a lot of changes. Now she loves having her mom living with her.
Given the limited - and pricey - alternatives of assisted living centers or nursing homes, more and more boomers like Budinot are inviting parents to move into rooms vacated by adult children. That trend is likely to accelerate in coming years as life expectancies rise along with the costs of professional care.
But it's not the right choice for everyone.
Along with two other care managers at a recent panel discussion, Budinot had sage advice for anyone thinking about taking the plunge.
For example, it's best not to make the decision during a crisis such as a stroke, a broken hip or the death of a spouse, said Budinot, who owns North Bay Eldercare Options. It's also important to think about how much support you can expect from a spouse, because their needs are part of the equation.
Bringing siblings into the picture can make a big difference. And if family members are local, Budinot recommends divvying up the responsibilities, whether it's about money or anything else.
In her family, simple divisions of labor have worked - one person can pay for an emergency response system or buy flowers; another can be the designated driver; yet another can help with housecleaning.
"Everyone can contribute," she said during the discussion at the Commonwealth Club in San Francisco.
Budinot emphasized the need to keep out-of-town siblings up to date about their mom's status. And if they start getting critical, invite them to come and help. "They'll get the big picture."
Budinot also reminded the audience of the emotions involved. Before it happens, she said you need time to think about it, talk about it and gather information.
High Maintenance
Another panelist, Esther Koch of Encore Management, shared what she called the
"moments of joy" and profound stress that she experienced when her
mother moved in. She described her mom as a "high-care needs parent"
who, due to her complicated medical condition and dementia, required care around
the clock.
Stress "is real and there is no place to hide," she warned. "It's more than anyone can realistically handle." Koch said families should consider that before bringing a high-maintenance parent home.
Many people get caught up in "doing for" their parents instead of "being with" them, said Koch, who found herself spending a great deal of time coordinating caregivers' schedules rather than spending time with her mom. Eventually, Koch found she could have more time with her mom by moving her into a facility that offered professional care.
While her mother has passed away, Koch enjoys memories of when her mom moved in. She noted "a hug doesn't last forever;" you can "never kiss someone too many times" and you can "never say I love you" too often.
Matching Expectations
All three panelists emphasized the importance of knowing what to expect. When
expectations and realities don't match, problems arise. Budinot cited an example
of a family that remodeled their home but didn't realize what went into taking
care of someone with dementia. It didn't work out for that family.
The third panelist, Linda Fodrini-Johnson advises families to ask themselves some simple questions before deciding: What have you looked at? What is it that's pulling you to make this decision? Is it financial? Emotional?
There are lots of different options for families, and moving a parent into the home isn't the only one. "If it's gonna work, it will work, " she said. "Sometimes it's not right to bring a family member home."
Families should look at what the senior is feeling, what touches their heart. What will the senior be giving up if they move in? Will they miss their doctor, their hairdresser?
In some cases, parents may be alone during the day, growing bored and lonely while family members are at work. In other cases, needs change over time. How much care are you prepared to give? Will you need to bring in a professional down the road?
"Sometimes, we need to try something before we know it isn't working," said Fodrini-Johnson, who owns Eldercare Services and is also a marriage and family therapist.
Once a parent has moved in, there are things you can do to make the transition go smoothly. It's important for parents to make contributions, entertain friends and offer advice. They should be able to bring in their favorite belongings, so that your home is also their home.
Hosting your parents isn't about role-reversal, but "a role change," said Budinot. "They don't become our children."
